Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
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Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
This meeting could have been a cake
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
a god among men
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Not messing around
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy