I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
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“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious