My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
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Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
peep davidson
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do