Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
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Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
this is funnier than any friends episode
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.