the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
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Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My background check bounced.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.