If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
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Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.