Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
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I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
How times have changed.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.