My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
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I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
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as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*