“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Can’t. Being lazy.
#Caturday
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo