“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
This sounds bad:
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
had to share :’)
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail