Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
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*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.