I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
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Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.