When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
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Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
This meeting could have been a cake
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.