Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
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My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
This could be us but you eatin’
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
looks legit
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.