anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
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Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
m’lady
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
are there any atheist mantises?
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
The news in a nutshell.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”