I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
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I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Whoa 😂
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?