me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
#inspiration #foodforthought
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”