Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
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The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?