Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
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i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-