me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now