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Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
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A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER