Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
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cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming