ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
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If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.