What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
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Happy Friday
fly smarter, not harder
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.