I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
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Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.