Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.