I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
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Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
stop
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Children of the corn 🌽