I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
![]()
![]()
![]()
You Might Also Like
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.![]()
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.