Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
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Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Whisper out to librarians!
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.