Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
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Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.