If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
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If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I want to meet the individual who made this
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.