If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
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I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting