WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
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APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
incredible
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.