@amberfw

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

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@MauriceBlitz

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

@tommy_charm

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

@XplodingUnicorn

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

@SadPeruna

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

@osigat

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

@Firawesome

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

@Writepop

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

@JohnLyonTweets

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

@BlondAmbitionTO

When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.

@Gorrdano

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.