A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.