A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

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[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”


I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.


“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said


[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt


You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.


My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.


So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.


A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.


“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now