@amberfw

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

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@dogfather

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

@jaelco26

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

@daemonic3

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

@daemonic3

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

@badAzz_mom

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

@WilliamAder

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

@Izianikapani

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

@WilliamHale1

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

@donni

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now