Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
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And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Oh, I bet you would be
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*