I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
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The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
lol
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
uncle dave has been through hell
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age