Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
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My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.