Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
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“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
How dude HOW?!
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor