Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
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Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.