Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
🙅🏻
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong