I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
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You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
I falcon love using swear birds
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.