[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
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both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Ovenable?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
one last job
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective