The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
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Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?