Ovenable?
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me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Merica.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.