This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
You Might Also Like
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
3% human
97% stress
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time