When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Monday
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.