I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
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nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Twitter is an abusement park.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!