The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
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I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.