*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo