On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
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Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis