Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
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“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.