My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
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I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I see your IQ test came back negative
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Comparing yourself to others
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’