May have had one breakfast too many
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I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
when there are deer in the woods
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.