He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
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Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.