Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
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MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer